Esquire Magazine Shockingly Offensive With New Penelope Cruz Issue!

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Looking away from the newsstand may bring out the best in you and the worse in the newsstand in question. Esquire Magazine has gone out and proclaimed Penelope Cruz as the Sexiest Woman Alive.

When did that happen? How? Let’s see Esquire’s standards for crowning this Spanish actress with their highest honors! By dictionary definitions, sexy implies that the person with that attribute is provocative, tempting, interesting, stimulating, passionate, intriguing and so on. However, modern times have plastered the sexy label on a number of things that aren’t humans – cars, shoes, bags, and so on.

Basically, sexy has become the verbal cliché for people trying hard to sound interesting. The word’s essence has diluted so much that is almost no impact at all – middle schoolers generously flatter each-other with that word!

Penelope Cruz cleavage cover Esquire

Now that we’ve gone neck-deep in explaining the meaning of this new title given to Penelope Cruz (and we’re nowhere near understanding how it all became possible), we could just wrap things up by concluding that since Blake Lively-Reynolds and Zoe Saldana were pregnant, Gisele Bundchen was busy filming the new Chanel 5 campaign and Angelina was receiving the honorary Dame title from her Majesty the Queen, there was nobody left to crown for this cover.

See also: Esquire profiled Brad Pitt and his new-found photography hobby!

Seriously! We all appreciate and enjoy Penelope on the big and small screen and her creative partnership with Pedro Almodovar is always perfectly tuned. Her marriage to Javier Bardem seems rock-solid (the couple has two children together) and their reputation still intact after having made some risky political comments. No sexy in sight, though…

Penelope Cruz see through yellow blouse Esquire

Penelope has a new movie coming up, that’s true, but there’s no chance her new character would be as controversial and as provocative as Cameron Diaz was in The Counselor – ah yes, in case the only scene you remember from that movie is the one Cameron Diaz gets up-close and personal with a windshield, you’d be surprised to find out that Penelope Cruz (and her husband, Javier Bardem) were starring in that movie.

See also: The Agent Provocateur ad directed by Penelope Cruz!

So what sustains Esquire’s case with Penelope?
An ill-fitting bra? Sorry guys, but there’s some sloppy stylist work for that shoot signed by Nico for Esquire’s November 2014 issue! Have you seen the way that purple bra fits Penelope’s curves? After the plunging cover decoletee, you’d think she’s Kate Upton’s sister, only to sadly discover a soggy loose bra peaking up from underneath a cliché coat in the inside pictorial.

Penelope Cruz bra Esquire November 2014

A disgracefully rolled up swimsuit? Desperately trying to elongate Penelope’s legs, the Esquire team thought it would be a wonderful idea to roll up the swimsuit while she’s twisting her ankle in a painfully restraining golden chain. Oh, and next time add a camera on that tripod to make the photo look less cheap!

Penelope Cruz elongated legs Esquire

A chest-deflating smile? Seeing the cover-photo, one is forced to assume that Penelope is seriously curved – until she smiles – that’s where all things lie distanced, flat and soooo un-sexy!

Penelope Cruz with without cleavage Esquire

Everything about these so far released photos work against Esquire and their pre-teeen-ish level of professionalism while trying to impose a new standard of womanly appeal. And if the visuals aren’t enough to put you off, try reading the article where Chris Jones uses the Penelope pretext to talk about bullfighting! Kid you not – whoever greenlighted this issue needs a vacation! Permanently!


#1 Adriana V on 10.15.14 at 1:19 pm

People should read the interview. I have the feeling {call me a conspiracy fool if you like} that this whole thing is not meant to glorify Penélope as s*xiest woman alive. It’s indeed about bullfighting and giving the impression she has blood on her hands too. Actually on her plate since she likes her steak rare. Hollywood is well known for their politic correctness except when it comes to stand up for Palestine. American politics are too much involved in Israel. The days of McCarthy comes to mind. Just saying!

Ah, Dame Angelina, although not allowed to use the title being an American, was too busy to speak up in favour of the tragic Yezedi and Kurdish women and girls. I see. Neither I have heard her about the schoolgirls kidnapped by other barbaric.

Yes, s^xy is a word that’s used and abused in many ways.
Thanks for this piece, it made me think and that’s what a good written piece does.

#2 kpriss on 10.16.14 at 6:40 am

wow! Adriana! Such a valid point! Really, an eye-opener! Thank you so much!

#3 Adriana V on 10.16.14 at 11:11 am

Thank you, I was afraid that I went too far with my opinion but you know everything is related There’s a reason we saw khaki back on the catwalks, ;)

#4 Ellington on 10.25.14 at 9:55 am

I would not call it political correctness, that is a term that I despise because it is often bandied about by people who are afraid of change,much in the same way that people now hijack the word Feminism and Feminist and dissemble it to mean something akin to man hating misandrist. In truth being “politically correct in the honourable sense is to actually consider how something that is and has been the status quo that is harmful to others affects them, it is being consciously altruistic and considerate, remembering that the world is not only just me but everyone else too.

To me what Hollywood does in this case is “safe bandwagoning”. If it is safe and seems popular then everyone will jump on board. It is not political correctness.
I like Penelope Cruz and her husband they say what they believe in even if it is not a bandwagon cause, I admired that they stood up for the disenfranchised of Palestine, caring what happens to the people of Palestine does not make one a supporter of Hamas or a hater of Jewish people, but people cannot seem to handle abstract thought or arguments, everything has to be dumb down or made as basic as possible hence silly magazine headers of the se*iest person. As for the Se*iest, most beautiful magazine tripe I ignore it because it means nothing. Like you said Kpriss the term se*y/se*iest has no meaning or feeling and it has now become for me a hallmark for gross excess. Now for a change I would appreciate and read the title given to the LEAST se*ist, rac!st, homophobic person. ; )

#5 Matthew on 07.17.15 at 11:42 am

Wow, never have I read (both in the article and the comments) people more in love with their own intellectual superiority. Come down off the mountain and your conversations with God and spend some time with us common folk. In other words, get off your high horse. I didn’t read the article in question but I think Penelope Cruz is a beautiful and sexy woman (that’s right, we commoners still use that word). I think most people realize that whoever is named in these sexiest person issues, it is merely a subjective assessment anyway. Everyone has their own standards of beauty and/or sexy. I can tell you that I personally loved the pictures done of Penelope, especially the one with the tripod. It’s one of my favorite pictures of her.

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