Looking away from the newsstand may bring out the best in you and the worse in the newsstand in question. Esquire Magazine has gone out and proclaimed Penelope Cruz as the Sexiest Woman Alive.
When did that happen? How? Let’s see Esquire’s standards for crowning this Spanish actress with their highest honors! By dictionary definitions, sexy implies that the person with that attribute is provocative, tempting, interesting, stimulating, passionate, intriguing and so on. However, modern times have plastered the sexy label on a number of things that aren’t humans – cars, shoes, bags, and so on.
Basically, sexy has become the verbal cliché for people trying hard to sound interesting. The word’s essence has diluted so much that is almost no impact at all – middle schoolers generously flatter each-other with that word!
Now that we’ve gone neck-deep in explaining the meaning of this new title given to Penelope Cruz (and we’re nowhere near understanding how it all became possible), we could just wrap things up by concluding that since Blake Lively-Reynolds and Zoe Saldana were pregnant, Gisele Bundchen was busy filming the new Chanel 5 campaign and Angelina was receiving the honorary Dame title from her Majesty the Queen, there was nobody left to crown for this cover.
Seriously! We all appreciate and enjoy Penelope on the big and small screen and her creative partnership with Pedro Almodovar is always perfectly tuned. Her marriage to Javier Bardem seems rock-solid (the couple has two children together) and their reputation still intact after having made some risky political comments. No sexy in sight, though…
Penelope has a new movie coming up, that’s true, but there’s no chance her new character would be as controversial and as provocative as Cameron Diaz was in The Counselor – ah yes, in case the only scene you remember from that movie is the one Cameron Diaz gets up-close and personal with a windshield, you’d be surprised to find out that Penelope Cruz (and her husband, Javier Bardem) were starring in that movie.
So what sustains Esquire’s case with Penelope?
An ill-fitting bra? Sorry guys, but there’s some sloppy stylist work for that shoot signed by Nico for Esquire’s November 2014 issue! Have you seen the way that purple bra fits Penelope’s curves? After the plunging cover decoletee, you’d think she’s Kate Upton’s sister, only to sadly discover a soggy loose bra peaking up from underneath a cliché coat in the inside pictorial.
A disgracefully rolled up swimsuit? Desperately trying to elongate Penelope’s legs, the Esquire team thought it would be a wonderful idea to roll up the swimsuit while she’s twisting her ankle in a painfully restraining golden chain. Oh, and next time add a camera on that tripod to make the photo look less cheap!
A chest-deflating smile? Seeing the cover-photo, one is forced to assume that Penelope is seriously curved – until she smiles – that’s where all things lie distanced, flat and soooo un-sexy!
Everything about these so far released photos work against Esquire and their pre-teeen-ish level of professionalism while trying to impose a new standard of womanly appeal. And if the visuals aren’t enough to put you off, try reading the article where Chris Jones uses the Penelope pretext to talk about bullfighting! Kid you not – whoever greenlighted this issue needs a vacation! Permanently!